| I want to get straight to the heart of this topic, because | | | | agree that you are either choosing the safe, easy |
| I firmly believe that there is a simple three-step | | | | options or looking for a sympathy vote. If so, let's take |
| approach that can cure feelings of worthlessness, | | | | a look at your logic. |
| even if you've felt crushed by those feelings for many | | | | Your annoyance can only be caused by the injustice |
| years. | | | | of my suggesting you are choosing the "safe" or |
| That's right: a cure. | | | | "easy" option. You're saying to me "Don't put me |
| It may not surprise you to learn that feeling worthless | | | | down. I'm not like that. I AM WORTH MORE THAN |
| is very common among women. You almost certainly | | | | THAT!" |
| know that. In fact, feeling worthless is possibly the | | | | Exactly my point! Please remember, I am not the one |
| most obvious symptom of low self-esteem. But it's | | | | doubting your self-worth, you are. All I'm doing is |
| also one of the easiest to overcome. | | | | pointing out that if you're feeling worthless then it simply |
| Let me provoke you for a moment by making a bold | | | | means that you are not doing as well in the areas that |
| statement about worthlessness. You may want to | | | | matter to you and therefore you need to invest in your |
| reject it out-of-hand, but I urge you to hear me out on | | | | self-esteem. There are no exceptions: if you want to |
| this point because I'm going to show you how to prove | | | | feel like a worthwhile human being then you have to |
| this statement is true! | | | | really work at it like everyone else and never give up |
| Feelings of worthlessness are entirely subjective. They | | | | on yourself. |
| are all in the mind. They have no basis in reality. They | | | | It's up to you know to acknowledge the fact the all |
| do not constitute a problem that requires "fixing", and | | | | human beings are capable of adding value to society, |
| you can choose to stop feeling worthless simply by | | | | including YOU. As an adult there are no excuses for |
| opening your mind. | | | | saying things like "I'm a worthless, stupid, lazy, ugly, |
| Fixing your self-esteem as a whole is not quite so | | | | useless, pathetic, helpless woman" because - as an |
| easy, but nevertheless it is a reality for every woman. | | | | adult - you now have the choice not to be any of |
| OK, I know that some of you are now cross with me. | | | | these things. |
| You may even want to scream at me "it's all very well | | | | All you have to do is acknowledge your real value, |
| for you to say that, but I've been feeling worthless all | | | | accept it and then make a commitment to retain it and |
| of my life and I have no idea how to stop and it's | | | | build upon it. |
| driving me CRAZY and, and, oh I'm so sick of being | | | | George Bernard Shaw once said: |
| ME!" | | | | "The people who get on in this world are the people |
| Whether you're cross or not, I'd like you to think | | | | who get up and look for the circumstances they want, |
| carefully about what I've got to say next. It's about | | | | and if they can't find them, make them." |
| how we might assess what something is worth. | | | | Woolly-thinking in the Self-esteem Movement |
| What's the easiest thing to value? | | | | Remember that old adage about the road to |
| How about a ten-dollar bill, in pristine condition, | | | | somewhere nasty being paved with good intentions? |
| uncrumpled, never having changed hands? | | | | Here are just two examples. |
| It's worth 10 dollars, right? To you, to me, to anybody. | | | | - The Self-esteem Movement has attempted to wrap |
| Imagine sealing that newborn, crispy ten-dollar bill in a | | | | us all in cotton-wool for years now in the hope of |
| watertight container and dropping it in the middle of a | | | | protecting our precious self-esteem. It's the |
| deep lake. What's it worth now? Well, it's still got an | | | | "self-esteem is our birthright" argument. Sadly, the only |
| intrinsic value of 10 dollars, but in order to hand it over | | | | people who cling to this argument are people with low |
| to a storekeeper in exchange for some food, you'd | | | | self-esteem who either have no idea how to improve |
| have to rent a pretty sophisticated boat, some fancy | | | | matters, or lack the will to do so. The argument |
| detection equipment, and maybe a team of skilled | | | | seduces them, because it appears to hold out hope |
| divers to get that box back. And that would cost you | | | | that "someone else" might somehow take responsibility |
| far more than 10 dollars. | | | | for their lack of self-esteem and magically confer |
| At the bottom of a lake, your perfect, crispy ten-dollar | | | | higher self-esteem upon them, like a court awarding |
| bill is worth less than nothing. | | | | compensation. Believe me, this won't happen, and nor |
| What's that got to do with you? | | | | should it. If you've ever been even slightly seduced by |
| You had some intrinsic value when you were born. | | | | this argument, try asking someone whom you consider |
| Everybody does. You had a potential capacity to | | | | to possess strong self-esteem whether she believes it |
| make the world a better place, to bring joy and | | | | was her birthright or whether she had to earn it for |
| happiness to others, to experience a sense of | | | | herself. You can guess what she'll tell you. |
| emotional, spiritual, and physical fulfilment. | | | | - The Self-esteem Movement seems to want us to |
| That was worth something. It still is. Because you still | | | | believe that both self-esteem and self-worth are |
| have a potential capacity to do those things. | | | | "binary" - that is, they exist in only one of two states |
| Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. | | | | like a light-switch that can be on or off. You've either |
| Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond | | | | got self-esteem or you haven't. Of course, this fits well |
| measure. | | | | with the first point, but it's simply NOT TRUE. Your |
| It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. | | | | self-esteem is more like a mosaic - made up of lots of |
| - Marianne Williamson - | | | | little pieces, some of which can be damaged or |
| But what if you're an exception? What if your parents, | | | | missing to the detriment of the whole. You can make |
| the other kids at school, your ex-husband, or the rest | | | | small improvements (baby steps, if you like) in one |
| of society has gradually knocked all of that potential | | | | area, or in several areas at the same time. Either way, |
| worth out of you? | | | | the overall mosaic will become more defined, stronger, |
| Well, they haven't. I can be sure of that, because it's | | | | and more appealing. |
| impossible to take away a living person's capacity to | | | | The best path forward |
| add value to the world. | | | | Thankfully, I sense that the world is beginning to reject |
| Only you can suppress that value. Only you can | | | | the "teachings" of the Self-esteem Movement. Their |
| decide to hide yourself away, feeling empty and alone. | | | | good intentions have not delivered the results that |
| Only you can put yourself in the position of a ten-dollar | | | | were hoped for. There is a far better path to tread, |
| bill at the bottom of a lake. | | | | and it leads to somewhere meaningful. It's a path that |
| Do you see what power you have, right there in your | | | | anyone can follow if they want to. The signpost |
| own hands? | | | | showing the way is this: |
| No matter how tough your childhood, no matter how | | | | Self-esteem = doing well x feelgood factor |
| rotten your luck, you can CHOOSE to enrich the world | | | | The truth of the matter is that NO-ONE is worthless |
| every day simply by the way you interact with others, | | | | but some people are worth more than others. |
| by the way you make caring decisions, and by the | | | | Of course it's true that some people are born with |
| way you feel about yourself. | | | | physical features that are generally considered more |
| If you're feeling worthless right now, then I'd like to ask | | | | beautiful than the average person's physical features. |
| you a question. What proactive steps have you been | | | | Other people are more intelligent, some are more |
| taking recently to overcome those feelings? Many, | | | | athletic but none of this is anything like as important as |
| many women - when I put this question to them - | | | | whether you make the most of who you are today |
| answer with something along the lines of "um, well, | | | | and what you've got going for you right now. If you do |
| nothing really because I feel stuck in a rut". | | | | this, and keep doing this day-in, day-out for the rest of |
| Those women, all of them, are certainly not happy that | | | | your life, I can guarantee that you will never feel |
| they feel like that. But feeling like that is a habit that has | | | | worthless again. You'll be far too busy adding value |
| become - almost paradoxically - a source of comfort | | | | here, there and everywhere to stop and wallow in |
| to them. Why? For one of two reasons: | | | | self-pity. |
| | | | Right at the beginning of this article I promised you a |
| 1. Feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces | | | | cure for worthlessness. Here it is, in three |
| the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. | | | | straightforward steps: |
| If you already know that you're no good and that no | | | | |
| one will fall in love with you, or give you a job, or even | | | | 1. Acknowledge your real value by writing a list of your |
| care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection | | | | strengths, attributes and the good things that you do |
| wings its way towards you - which it certainly will | | | | each day. If you've taken the Ultimate Self-esteem |
| because it happens to all of us - then you're better | | | | Test, then refer to your Self-esteem Profile and the |
| prepared than most. You can say: "Ah ha, you can't | | | | Self-help Programs recommended to you to remind |
| ruin my life because I already knew this was going to | | | | yourself of both your strengths and the areas you still |
| happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me | | | | need to work on. Accept this list as your starting point. |
| want me/value me!" | | | | 2. Make a commitment now to build your self-esteem |
| 2. Feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're | | | | and keep adding positive things to your life every day |
| worthless there's no need to try to do well and | | | | and find it within yourself to eliminate things from the |
| succeed in the things that matter to you because | | | | negative side. Do more smiling, share more kind |
| there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your | | | | thoughts and caring emotions, be curious, optimistic, and |
| opinions and your desires are all worthless then people | | | | courageous, work hard and have fun. And reduce the |
| leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable | | | | time and energy you expend in whingeing, moaning, or |
| skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If | | | | feeling sorry for yourself. |
| you say that you are a useless, hopeless nobody then | | | | 3. Be your own judge. You know yourself better than |
| people will expect far less from you. And just maybe | | | | anyone and now that you're an adult it is up to you to |
| you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even | | | | decide your worth and to attempt to live up to realistic |
| another person (on a white horse in shining armour) | | | | expectations of yourself. |
| coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you. | | | | When I was living and working in Australia a few |
| Deep down, all of us really WANT to feel valued | | | | years ago I heard for the first time the expression "tall |
| But, the harsh truth is, we will feel valued only if we are | | | | poppy syndrome". It captures the notion that |
| willing to contribute something to the world around us. | | | | small-minded people often like to put down those who |
| And whether we contribute anything or not is a choice. | | | | strive to do well because "tall poppies" make little |
| OUR choice. | | | | weeds seem even smaller! |
| A few of you might be annoyed with me at this point | | | | Don't be afraid to be a tall poppy and enjoy the sun |
| because you're still feeling worthless but you do not | | | | shining down on you. |